I sit here now at the age of twenty-five and can still imagine the delicious aromas filling the air from my grandma's hearty meals she would often prepare for dinner. I think back to the great times in life when their was love and acceptance. I often heard the words, "I love you" and received a hug whenever my family went to bed or left for the day. Sigh, those were the good days and even now my eyes are watering as I think about what is missing in my life.
My childhood before the age of ten was semi-normal. My mom and father were divorced when I was very little and my mom and I moved in with my grandma and grandpa. I don't think my mom realized it then, but I would be living with my grandma throughout my entire youth. Because I was an only child, I was spoiled rotten and even received more attention than normal because I live with my grandparents, who became like my second parents. I loved all of them equally.
I did know, at a very young age, I was different from other kids. I didn't realize why, but I was constantly teased for my always accompanying girls. They were more mature, open and frankly, more fun. I found myself accepted more by them and teased more by the boys my age.
My mom became very ill when I was in third grade and doctors could not diagnose the problem. My mom fell into a deep coma and the doctors used the term grave on Christmas Eve. Her only option to survive was to transport her by helicopter to another facility. My grandma drove by car and I was unable to go. Instead, I was to stay at home with my grandpa. Over the next couple of months, my mom remained stable, but in a coma. My grandma only came home once and awhile and my world began to fall apart.
During this time, I began to discover my sexuality. I was alone with no one to talk to. I felt as if it were wrong to be attracted to other boys and I began to pull away from my peers and the rest of my family. I needed my mom and grandma and the pressure began to build. About a month into my grandma's and mom's absence, my grandpa suffered through a stroke.
I came home from school to find him unresponsive. He was sitting on the couch and couldn't seem to move or talk. I thought he was just being funny, so I left him alone and attended back to my school work. About an hour later, my grandma called and when I explained to her why grandpa couldn't talk, she told me to call 9-11. I found myself back at the hospital answering questions and scared out of my wits. The next few weeks were awful. When I came home from school, I had to act or play an adult at the age of ten or eleven. I was cooking, cleaning, bathing my grandpa and it just wasn't pleasant.
Thankfully, my mom woke up from her coma and they returned home. My mom was sent to a nursing home were she would receive around the clock care while she regained her strength. My grandma and I visited every night for weeks, so my childhood was non-existing. While my mom was in the nursing home, my grandma and I took classes on how to care for her once she returned home. We were taught how to lift her from a wheelchair, move her into bed, shower her, and help her go to the bathroom. My role as a child switched to caregiver for my mom. We struggled initially, but somehow we all prevailed.
My mom began gaining strength and slowly and surely, she started taking the initiative to do things on her own. I was so suppressed with my sexuality and felt as if I were lying (not only to myself), but to them. I felt selfish for wanting to tell them, scared as to how they would react, afraid of losing their love, worried about having to leave the house, and I became very depressed. For the first time, my grades dropped drastically, I was sleeping more, did not want to eat or get out of bed, and I lost interest in activities I loved such as bowling and playing piano. Nothing seemed to make me happy anymore. The only thing that gave me relief was my journal that I moved every night and acted as if I had OCD over. I would keep moving it in fear of someone discovering the journal or worse, the truth about my sexuality.
At night, I would sleep with the journal and guarded it like a dog guards or hides a bone. The journal became one of the most precious possessions I owned. Soon, writing no longer helped me. I attempted suicide one night after many weeks of contemplating my death. I could visualize my funeral (who would come), or who would miss me? What would other people say? Then, I would come to the conclusion that I was not important. I would have rather died than to disappoint my family with the deepest secret I held: the fact that I am gay.
After much though, I decided to down an entire bottle of pills for my mom's pain and went to bed. I don't remember anything else except for waking up in the hospital bed with beeps and muffling voices. My stomach was in great pain. Evidently, my mother came to the room after I crawled to the door and pounded on it unable to speak and barely able to breathe.
I was not allowed to mention the suicide attempt to anyone. What happened in the family, stayed in the family. My grandma was deeply disappointed with me. Everyone, including the counselor or therapist, thought that I had attempted due to the lack of attention I had received from my mom's illness and all that had happened with my family, but that just was not the case. I knew in my mind and heart it was because I was gay.
In 2002, I was outed in the newspaper and in front of the entire student body when I ran for Student Council President and we held a debate. One of the kids stood up and directly asked, "When are you going to tell everyone you are gay?" I about fell to the ground. The newspaper wrote about it and I was outed to my friends and family outside of school. I had made a decision though. The day I attempted suicide several years earlier, I vowed to myself that I would never again let my emotions defeat me. I found a new-found strength within my being and that is to help other people through the pain, through the misery. I knew my purpose in my life at the moment and that was to guide others to a path where they will be welcomed and accepted within their community. When I heard the phrase, "When are you going to tell us you are gay?", I thought back to the time when I attempted suicide, and I shared my story openly.
I was shocked when I won the election, but I had some rough years ahead. In 2003, I graduated, but right before I lost my aunt to cancer. My grandma and I were the care givers through Hospice. The experience was quite painful and I will forever had the memories embedded within my mind. In October of 2003, I lost my grandpa to cancer. We had Hospice again, and I decided to stay at home for college to help my grandma. My mom had remarried several years prior to this and in 2004, she died from complications of her disease. She was brain dead and we had to make the decision to pull the plug and let her go. Six weeks later, my step-dad committed suicide from taking her pills and having too much alcohol. My grandma and I didn't think it was intentional, but I question the truth still in my heart. I was with my grandma when we found him on the floor.
I was thankful to be living with my boyfriend at the time. He offered a lot of support, but he dumped me in the next couple of months after being together for two years. I became too serious and mature for him. Oh well, is my reply. My family came first and I lost everyone with the exception of my grandma. I became depressed once again, but found stability and strength within my grandma. We bought a house together in 2005. I had dropped out of school to pull my life back together and began in the fall of 2005 to become an English teacher. My schooling was interrupted once again when my grandma almost died in April of 2006.
She had five major organs shut down. I called my professors and told them what was happening and promptly called work and told them I would not be in until further notice. Somehow, she pulled through. The doctors were reluctant, but they decided to let her out of the hospital. She begged and pleaded with them because her and I had tickets to attend Wicked in Chicago for Mother's Day. We were both excited to finally be able to see the show and spend time together. She was in a wheel chair, so I drove into the city, carried her down to our front row and center seats to watch the marvelous musical. When we exited the theater, she was crying over my mom and her health. By the door to the Oriental Theater, laid a shiny black rock just sitting there and I picked it up, told her to always carry this rock with her and remember the happy memories in her life and what she is grateful for. I then told her how much I loved her and how thankful I am to still have her in my life.
December 15th, 2007, I came home from my bowling league and found my grandma on the floor. She was already gone. No one there. One hand placed on her chest and the other on the floor. In that one moment, my entire life came to a crashing halt. I couldn't believe she was no longer a part of my life. I had lost my entire family and now my grandma too. Leaving me alone at the age of 23, to plan a funeral, and pick up the entire mortgage of the house without a college degree. I was angry at myself for going bowling, angry at her for leaving, and I started to yell at none one in particular, "Why me?".
My distant family such as cousins, great aunts, and uncles, did not send food to the house. They did not call and check up on me. They were waiting for me to make the first move. When I didn't call, they assumed I did not want them in my life anymore. I needed them and I was left alone. Thankfully, I had great friends who stood by my side.
I was alone on Christmas, opening the gifts my grandma had bought and made for me. I sat and cried as I rocked back and forth on the floor, looking at the gifts I had bought her. What do I do with them, I thought to myself. It was the worst Christmas I have ever endured. The day after Christmas, I journeyed to my ex boyfriend's house down in TN, where I received love and attention; not only from him, but his family. We decided for me to move down there because I had no where else to go, and I could not keep up the mortgage alone.
I sought out a real estate agent and put the house on the market. We found a buyer within a couple of days and I was approved for a loan if I put down $20,000, I could buy a home for $135,000 or less. Awesome, I was so excited to be able to move and have money. My ex was going to move in with me and help with the bills, but in a couple of weeks, he dropped another bomb on me. He was engaged to a girl and no longer wanted to move in with me, but still wanted me to move down. I decided not to leave the area because he would be focused on his new life and I was really starting to worry about my needs and what was going to happen in the future.
I ended up receiving a promotion through work, that gave me $28,000 a year plus bonuses. The mortgage was a little under 1,300 a month not including utilities, gas for the hour and a half drive to work, food, and other necessities. Within a couple of months, I was cut off from the world. I lost my internet, my cell phone, television, and had problems coming up with gas money to pay the bills. Not only that, I put my name on the funeral and there was little life insurance. Today, I still owe $11,000. The bank stopped social security (I did not know she was getting that) because she had just turned 65 and my name was on the account, but I was not following it closely. They pulled out two months of social security and made the account negative causing everything to bounce, putting me into further debt with the bank resting at around $1,000.
My insurance was due and I decided not to pay for it. My plates were expired and there was no money to renew them. My life was crumbling around me. Within three months, I had lost my license, had two cars impounded for lack of insurance, expired plates, and then suspended license because I failed to pay for the tickets or appear in court to prove I had fixed the problem.
My ex broke up with his fiance and asked me to move back down. I was defeated and decided to sell the house. On December 28th, 2008, I closed on the house. I walked away with $18,000 a far cry from earlier in the year when I would have walked away with close to $70,000. The economy was bad, but I decided to do it or face foreclosure. It took $10,000 to move down to TN to start my life over again, but I did. I am now in the Chattanooga area, working on helping out youth struggling with depression, suicide, and GLBT issues. I have created an organization called STITCH (Standing Together In Tolerance Changing Humanity) www.sewingdiversitytogether.com and reminding people to not give up. I am still dealing with the struggles of the past years, but I have survived. My life can only improve from here and I am hopeful in looking toward the future.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
A special group of students
The second part of our journey lead us to Portage High School. We were met by a counselor of the school and walked up to the second story (did I mention the school is huge). Gail Thomas, my personal representative in NW Indiana and marketing director, Timothy Reeves, my film and technical director, and I, executive director of STITCH all met together. We all sat in a circle and I asked for everyone to share their story and a little about themselves.
During this time, some talked about love and life, while others talked about physical and mental abuse, rape, someone had a friend who comitted suicide, and I could feel the hurt and pain just flowing out of them. As we moved forward, I asked how many of them have been bullied of harrassed in some way and almost everyone raised their hand. I was shocked by the amounts of pain they all faced on a day-to-day basis. My heart goes out to these students. I found myself wanting to cry out and hug each and every one of them as they shared their personal stories. The courage some took in telling their story, in front of a group of people was nothing short of astonishing.
In hearing their stories, flashes came back from my own past connecting me on a deep level with their emotional scars. I remembered my thoughts prior to attempting sucide and how lost and unconnected I felt. I was angry toward the people who made my life miserable, fear of people discovering my sexuality, scared of losing my loved ones once they found out I was gay, lonley for keeping my life a secret, and helpless not knowing where to go and who would understand.
I can only hope, I showed them, I no longer feel this way. My life is now full of love and friends even after losing my family in death. I have gained life-long friendships that I consider more than friends, but family because they have always been there for me through the thick and thin. I hope the students see their support group as a healing place where there are people around them who care and believe they matter. I know this because I am one of these people.
I also hope that they see how important each and every one of them is in our community. Every single one of them has something to offer society and to the future of our society. I have learned from them as I hope they learned from me. I do not deny, I do know everything and I am not always right, but the more I hear, the more I learn, the better equipped I become to help others. The stories and life experiences they shared, will definitely help me in aiding others. I want to see great things come out of this group of students, and in fact, I expect it.
I did not just feel and see pain when I entered into the room. I saw leadership, action, and a will to make a great community and a difference in the world. I love this because I know how difficult it is to be a part of something others in the school and community frown upon, but such a group is needed to offer support. They have two wonderful counselors who care very much about them and want these students to succeed and I am so happy they all have an outlet. Well, they now have three people they can turn to. I will be more than happy to do whatever I can in helping out anyone who needs me in some way. I chose this line of work, not for money, not for fame, but to help others. I find this way helps me to keep moving forward and to heal myself as well as others. I am so happy I was invited and was able to meet this wonderful group and I hope I connected and helped in some way.
This concluded my trip to the north. Later that night, I drove home thinking about everything I had learned and coming up with new innovative ideas to help them around. I do know that I will be in touch with the counselors more to be giving them information. I hope they do the same. I will be back in town in Aril for the Day of Silence and am looking forward to seeing everyone again.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
A welcoming Congregation
Although my journey to the north was fairly short, the activities, people, and memories will forever permeate my thoughts. The first adventure placed me in the Unitarian Church of Hobart, where we celebrated marriage equality.
Prior to the marriage equality event that took place in the afternoon, a church service was held in the morning about, "Standing on the side of love". My best friend, Timothy Reeves, accompanied me from Chattanooga for my duration of the trip. Having been brought up in the Catholic religion, the traditional religious views turned him away from the institution while attending college.
We both were surprised when the Reverend if the First Unitarian Church bashed the Catholic church with their views on the GLBT community as well as immigration laws. The sermon provided was more of a philosophical view on love and history rather than a sermon announcing a belief in God, or telling others what is the right way to believe. We both watched as people shared their joys and sorrows, threw balloons in the air and taught the children that adults are not always right, but adults do certain things out of love for their children.
The latter was reinforced later in the marriage equality event. The board president gave a speech on the people who attend the church. He proudly announced, that the church had Pagans, Humanists, Christians, Atheists, people with no religion, and others and that Sundays can be a whacky place with all different beliefs.
The STITCH representative in NW Indiana and my marketing director, Gail Thomas, made a brilliant statement, "Out of all religions, the common denominator is love". The Unitarian Universalist Church lives by this one code and spreads it outward into the community.
Tim and I could feel the love within the atmosphere and other visitors called the attendees of the event, "family". An outsider walking in for the first time, would feel welcomed within the halls of the church. People immediately flock to your side asking a person about themselves and making them right at home. The students various schools, who helped in the event, loved the unity of all people.
Surprisingly, Tim asked if there was an Unitarian Church in the Chattanooga area. We are planning to attend this Sunday. I can only hope this church reflects what I have come to call home with the Unitarian Church of the north. Tim wanting to attend on Sunday, shows the power of love and joy as well as acceptance toward all people. If the church as the board president said, seems to be strage with strange people, then this is my kind of church and place.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
First Class is Over
My first class has now come to an end. I received an "A" in the class and that motivates me more to do well in the classes to come. I was actually surprised how much work went into the online classes. A lot of reading, writing, and responding to other people made up the majority of the grade. The work was not difficult in itself, but just a lot in five weeks. My next class is sociology and I am looking forward to what I will be learning.
At the same time, I am working on my marriage equality speech that I will be presenting on Valentine's Day as well as speaking to the GSA at Portage High School, Tuesday February 16th. I am starting to fall behind and that is not a good feeling in the slightest. All I can do, is keep working and focusing on what is coming.
At the same time, I am working on my marriage equality speech that I will be presenting on Valentine's Day as well as speaking to the GSA at Portage High School, Tuesday February 16th. I am starting to fall behind and that is not a good feeling in the slightest. All I can do, is keep working and focusing on what is coming.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Work in February
My first class of school is coming to a close. At the moment, I still have an A with three more days to go, then start my new class: sociology. Yay! In just a week or so, I will be heading up north to deliver a speech on marriage equality in NW Indiana and visit Portage High school for their Straight Gay Student Alliance. I am working on trying to obtain some reading material for the kids and just made another youtube video on the day of silence. The last couple of months have been slow, and here we are now picking up momentum. The feeling is really good, and I am excited to see where this year takes me. We are also working on some fundraisers to keep our educational workshops and speeches going. This has been very difficult. We are a small team trying to juggle many different activities and I think all the momentum is taking a toll. I wish I could be up there helping my team, but I am grateful I have them. I could not even begin to imagine where STITCH would be without them. Thank you, thank you, thank you....Did I mentioned thank you?
Doug out. Hope you all have a good day.
Doug out. Hope you all have a good day.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Google ads and websites
One of the most amazing things I have come across is the power of Google ads. I would have never believed they work, but they do. I have had my Google Adsense page set up now for about three weeks and the traffic on the websites (3) is very minimal and I still pulled in about $15 from Google Adsense. I will be monitoring more closely, and reveal any secrets if I can possibly get this up to a large amount to take over the majority of my income, but we shall see. I will say this though, I hate setting up websites! Grrrr, I can't make anything work the way it should or look the way I want it to. I created a new website yesterday at www.nwindianadayofsilence.ning.com. This website is to promote the Day of Silence for April 16th as a movement to stop bullying, name-calling and harassment toward the GLBT community. My organization (STITCH) is sponsoring an event for all the schools and participants to come together in the community and share their experiences and find out what everyone can be doing to provide a safer environment to our schools.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
An Assignment
Grrrr....I just received my feedback from my paper and I need to cut it down from 16 pages to 7 pages. How can I possibly write my life story in seven pages when I am 25-years-old a have lived a lifetime of events already? I am not a very happy camper right now, but oh well. I guess I have to do, what I have to do.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
A Story of Survival
A Story of Survival
In 1519, a man by the name of Hernando Cortez led an army across the ocean to
the land of riches. The treasure had been sought out by massive armies for nearly 600
years and defeated every single time by the Aztec Empire. Cortez spoke to his armies and
laid a vision of victory and how their lives would be once they overthrew the Aztecs.
When they reached the empire, Cortez turned to his troops and told them, “Burn the
boats”. The army watched him in horror and he told them that if they were going home,
they were going home in the Aztec’s boats. For the first time in 600 years, Cortez lead his
army to victory. The men became victorious when their escape was destroyed. They were
not only fighting for riches, but survival.
As I was growing up, my family provided the necessary tools to survive in our
world through compassion and love. However, my childhood and development was far
from society’s normal way of life. I learned of sickness, pain, and death very early. In my
teenage years, I witnessed the calm before the storm by experiencing school and
friendship. During this time of my life, I became aware of my sexuality and realized I was
gay. In this moment, everything in my life changed. Within a few short years, I would
watch as one-by-one my family members would pass away leaving me all alone to fend
for myself without love and support. I turned to my dreams and visions of the future to
overcome the fear of my own mortality. I became a changed person, more grown up and
independent than ever. The last death in my life was that of my grandma and in her
passing she taught me her last lesson. I was given the knowledge of survival and strength
to continue fighting for my future. My goals and dreams are not only for me, but for the
memory of the family for they will always be with me every step I take in the world.
My grandma taught me I am my own person, I am me, my soul and this is my journey of
survival into the future of my dreams.
In the early years of my childhood, I experienced a lot of love and support from
my family. Shortly after I was born, my parents divorced and my mom and I moved in
with my grandparents. I received attention from my mother, who was home most of the
time, and my grandma and grandpa in the evenings. We would always play card games
before I would go to bed and enjoyed hours of family time. Family bonding was very
important to my grandma and her shared values rubbed off on the rest of us in the
household. My grandma had a direct or involved relationship with me that according to
Boyd and Bee is the least common type of relationship to share among grandparents
(149). I am very thankful for the relationship I had with my grandma because she had a
positive influence on my life in the years to come.
One of the best family times of the year always occurred during Christmas. In our
house, Christmas was more than just a holiday, but a special time for our family to share
quality time together. My grandma would take time from work, I would be home from
school, and my mom worked part time at a local pasta restaurant. We would find
ourselves together by the piano as my grandma played Christmas carols and we attempted
to sing together on Christmas Eve. We would then eat a hearty meal that filled the table
with many varieties of food that permeated the air with delicious aromas.
The family bonding, delicious home-made meals, and my childhood began to
deteriorate as my mom became very ill. My childhood role disappeared as I stepped into
more of an adult position. At the age of ten, I was cooking, cleaning, and caring for my
mother who was in bed most of the time while also going to school and balancing my
daily lessons. Boyd and Bee says that people experience role conflict when
different roles call for separate behaviors and the demands accumulate to more hours in a
day (143). I was no longer able to go out and participate in childhood activities. This
caused a role conflict in my life because I was torn between taking care of my mother and
spending time with friends.
The events that began to surface with my mother’s illness increased causing not
only difficulties in my social life, but also in our family life. After I would come home
from school, I would then begin doing daily chores to help my mom and make sure she
was comfortable. In the evening, my grandma would arrive home from work and we
would eat dinner. Once super was finished, we no longer gathered as a family, but
separated ourselves from one another.
Our daily lives grew more dim even still. By the age of 12, my family was visiting
the hospital almost every night, because my mother spent more time in the facility than
out. We began having dinner in the hospital cafeteria and I would finish my school work
while sitting on the floor of a hospital room. By Christmas, my mom fell into a coma and
was moved down to Indianapolis where she would receive better care. My grandma
followed and I was left at home with my grandpa.
My life was completely different with my grandpa and I did not know it at the
time, but I would learn a new set of life experiences. A few months after my grandma and
mom left, I came home from school and found my grandpa unresponsive on the couch.
He had his eyes open, but could not seem to talk. After about an hour, I called 9-11 and
rode in the ambulance to the hospital. My grandpa had a stroke.
The new set of circumstances added more pressure and strain on our family. My
Great aunt would visit during the day while I was away in school, and in the evening, I
became the caregiver. My grandma and I spoke daily and we would cry together on the
phone not believing what we were experiencing. She would always tell me that I was a
special young man to be strong and grown up enough to be handling such difficult
realities.
During my mom’s and grandpa’s illness, fighting the urge to go outside and being
with friends, and finding a balance with responsibilities, I had another problem lingering
below the surface. In the months leading up to my mom’s coma, I began to discover my
sexuality. I learned that I had same-sex attractions and identified myself as being gay. I
fought the impulse to tell my grandma. The reason I was contemplating giving my family
a chance to be a part of my life was because I did not want to add any additional strain on
my family. I felt selfish in my thinking for wanting to explain my feelings to them.
My decision to remain silent, caused a very negative reaction in my life. I became
isolated and spent less time taking care of my family. I was resentful for being different
and not being able to spend time with my friends and I was tired of the responsibility. My
struggles lead me down a path of depression where I attempted suicide rather than tell my
family the truth. I was not sure how they would react and felt that by taking my life, I
would save them the embarrassment from having a gay child.
My mother saved my life by entering into my room in the middle of the night
giving me a second chance in life. When I woke up in the hospital unaware of anything
that happened the previous night, I was frustrated I did not succeed, but came to the
conclusion there was a reason. I still had a purpose in life and had much more to offer. I
made a decision that day to keep fighting and help others who struggle through their
childhood. I wanted to reach out at that moment in my life to everyone who I knew was
struggling in some way and offer comfort. Today, I live my life by the promise I made to
myself. I would survive and nothing would ever defeat me.
For a few shorts years following my suicide attempt, my new attitude of survival
allowed me to remain positive and in control during a rather calm point in my life. My
mom re-married, I made the decision to continue living with my grandma and grandpa,
and I went through school with top grades and a leader within my community. These
years were the most memorable and I was able to revert back slightly to my social life
among my peers. I did not know, I would be soon facing tragedy again in my life.
In the spring before I graduated high school, I had three major loses that
resulted in my decision to change my goals for the future. My great aunt, who lived next
door, great grandma, who lived down the street, and my grandpa, who lived with us, all
were diagnosed with cancer within months of each other. I was planning on going away
for college, but decided to remain home to help my grandma in caring for our family.
Together, my grandma and I made the decision to have Hospice and we essentially
became the primary care givers. In 2003, we lost all three of them in death and I found
myself comforting my grandma.
My grandma and I were both struggling to find stability in our lives, but before we
found a strong foundation, death hit us again. My mom became brain dead through lack
of oxygen and we, my step-dad, grandma, and I, made the decision to let my mom go. She
had died from complications of the illness she had many years ago at the age of 40. The
passing of my mother only became worse when six weeks later, my grandma and I
discovered my step-dad on the floor of his room dead at the age of 44 from a massive
heart attack.
The death of my parents caused my grandma to slip into major depression and her
health began to fail. We became the two musketeers supporting each other. We became
very close and I leaned on her as much as she leaned on me. A year later, my grandma
had five major organs shut down and doctors did not believe she would pull through. I
took a leave of absence from my job and stayed at the hospital 24/7 for many weeks. My
friends would come into the waiting room to bring me food and keep me company giving
me the emotional support I needed. Umberson and Chen states that only one in ten people
below the age of 25 has lost a parent and I lost all of my family with the exception of my
grandma (152).
As I sat at the hospital, I had much more support than I ever realized from very
close friends. They might not have known what I was feeling or going through at the
time, but they put forth the effort to be comforting all the same. Many spoke to me as if I
was a broken child ready to fall apart myself, but found themselves shocked by how well
put together I was. Some of my friends were concerned if I lost my grandma how I would
survive. This idea can be explained further by Umberson and Chen by claiming, “the
death of a parent appears to be a stressful life event that adversely affects the physical and
psychological well-being of adult children in the general population.” (153). Even though
I had lost both of my parents, I still had the support of my grandma who was like a second
mother to me.
The thought of losing my grandma at this time in my life scared me because I was
not ready for the event. I did not have any of the proper paperwork in place and do not
think I would have been able to cope emotionally. Thankfully, I had great friends
supporting me through the idea of losing the last of my family. I had chosen my friends
carefully and they had become like family as Boyd and Bee suggests with the statement,
“many gays and lesbians build families of choice for themselves.” (97). I had and still
have a close network of friends who have become my family.
Thankfully, my grandma pulled through her problems giving us another year to
spend time together. We decided to take action to prepare me for if something did
actually happen to her. We constructed a will, added my name to bank accounts and
spoke of her personal wishes. I struggled hearing this information, but I was very thankful
to have her back in my life I could not have been any happier.
In one of our discussions, we spoke about jobs and careers to better prepare me
for my future. I had a lot of knowledge in working in the food industry with: Shakeys, a
buffet, Fazolis, fast-food Italian, and Taco Bell, fast-food Mexican. We talked about me
attending college once again, but her health was to frail to continue at that precise
moment in time. In the end, I decided to wait a couple of years and began searching for
some additional income. I accepted a promotion through Taco Bell as an Assistant Store
Manager that helped my grandma and I financially.
The Assistant Manager position proved to be very time consuming and I did not
spend as much time with my grandma. She became depressed once again, so we planned
a trip into Chicago to see Wicked. This was going to be a very special event for both of us
because we were seeing the musical on Mother’s Day. I drove us into Chicago, carried
her down to our front row seats and we spent the evening in conversation at the Cheese
Cake Factory. As we were leaving, I picked up a little black stone and handed it to my
grandma and told her to carry the stone where ever she went and to always think about the
things she was grateful for in her life. I told her I loved her and that I was thankful she
was a part of my life.
After several wonderful months with her, I woke up one morning and found my
grandma dead on the floor in the hallway. I could not seem to catch my breath. I felt my
world crumbling around me. My thoughts dwelled heavily on being in charge of my own
mortality. “Those in the middle generation must come to terms with the fact that they
have now become the elders and are confronted directly with their own mortality” (Boyd
& Bee. P. 153). I remembered the promise I made to myself years back after trying to
commit suicide. I fought back the tears and gathered my thoughts to take action in my
life. I knew there was a lot of work to do and I knew how to do it.
Instead of focusing on my grief, I turned to the action of getting things done. The
first thing on my agenda was to prepare and plan the funeral. I did this mostly alone and
that is how I wanted it. I viewed the funeral as a last tribute to my grandma. Organizing
the funeral was one of the biggest changes of my life. I became the adult, the responsible
one and nothing stood in my way for failure or success.
In the months following the funeral of my grandma, I was faced with many life
obstacles. I took on a mortgage payment solely, added the house to for sale listings,
struggled to survive because my financial income did not meet the demand, finally selling
the house and moving out of state away from everyone and everything I ever knew to
begin my life over, and now attending school once again. All of these decisions changed
me emotionally for I grew in knowledge with every step I took.
All my life, I have been preparing for these events. When I was little, I gained
knowledge of sickness with my mother, isolation through my sexuality, strength through
my friends, love and support with my grandma and by witnessing the death of my parents
and being a part of the funeral making decision, I was able to cope with my grandma’s
death and the year that followed.
My family life was not the only variable that presented me with life experience
though. During high school and college, I was involved in many clubs, organizations, and
attended leadership camps that granted me the necessary tools to survive. Some of these
include: Student Body President, Class Officer, ITI (Indiana Teen Institute), HBS
(Hoosier Boy State), and the NYLC (National Youth Leadership Council). Everything in
my life has geared me to begin my future.
When I moved to Tennessee, I promised myself another change would occur. I
made a conscious decision to begin STITCH (Standing Together In Tolerance Changing
Humanity) to help other GLBT youth through problems in their life. In the end, I came to
the conclusion to give my life to help others. “STITCH replaces discrimination based on
sexual orientation with acceptance, tolerance, and celebration of humanities differences”
(Harper D, & Thomas G. (2009). STITCH has become the first step into attaining my
future.
My goals have changed over the years as I have grown and survived through life
events. I am finally doing something for me and I have been criticized for taking a huge
risk, but to me the entire organization is well worth the time and effort. I view this
opportunity as a new journey. I am not sure if I will fail or succeed, but I will persist
without exception.
My survival and stability through my mom’s illness into her death, the loss of all
my family and the continuation of my dreams will ultimately give me the opportunity to
help others survive through life’s restricting affairs. I learned life is fragile and worth
fighting for and that we all have the power to persevere in anything we choose to do. The
decision lies within all of us and I made my decision to live life to the fullest when I
woke up in the hospital after attempting suicide.
References
Boyd, D. & Bee, H. (2006). Adult Development.
Boston, Massachusetts: Pearson Custom Publishing.
Harper, D. and Thomas, G. (2009) About STITCH. Retrieved January 17, 2010, from
http://www.sewingdiversitytogether.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=
article&id=47&Itemid=87.
Hudson, F. & McLean, P. Life Launch.
Santa Barbara, CA: The Hudson Institute Press.
STITCH (Standing Together In Tolerance Changing Humanity)
www.sewingdiversitytogether.com .
In 1519, a man by the name of Hernando Cortez led an army across the ocean to
the land of riches. The treasure had been sought out by massive armies for nearly 600
years and defeated every single time by the Aztec Empire. Cortez spoke to his armies and
laid a vision of victory and how their lives would be once they overthrew the Aztecs.
When they reached the empire, Cortez turned to his troops and told them, “Burn the
boats”. The army watched him in horror and he told them that if they were going home,
they were going home in the Aztec’s boats. For the first time in 600 years, Cortez lead his
army to victory. The men became victorious when their escape was destroyed. They were
not only fighting for riches, but survival.
As I was growing up, my family provided the necessary tools to survive in our
world through compassion and love. However, my childhood and development was far
from society’s normal way of life. I learned of sickness, pain, and death very early. In my
teenage years, I witnessed the calm before the storm by experiencing school and
friendship. During this time of my life, I became aware of my sexuality and realized I was
gay. In this moment, everything in my life changed. Within a few short years, I would
watch as one-by-one my family members would pass away leaving me all alone to fend
for myself without love and support. I turned to my dreams and visions of the future to
overcome the fear of my own mortality. I became a changed person, more grown up and
independent than ever. The last death in my life was that of my grandma and in her
passing she taught me her last lesson. I was given the knowledge of survival and strength
to continue fighting for my future. My goals and dreams are not only for me, but for the
memory of the family for they will always be with me every step I take in the world.
My grandma taught me I am my own person, I am me, my soul and this is my journey of
survival into the future of my dreams.
In the early years of my childhood, I experienced a lot of love and support from
my family. Shortly after I was born, my parents divorced and my mom and I moved in
with my grandparents. I received attention from my mother, who was home most of the
time, and my grandma and grandpa in the evenings. We would always play card games
before I would go to bed and enjoyed hours of family time. Family bonding was very
important to my grandma and her shared values rubbed off on the rest of us in the
household. My grandma had a direct or involved relationship with me that according to
Boyd and Bee is the least common type of relationship to share among grandparents
(149). I am very thankful for the relationship I had with my grandma because she had a
positive influence on my life in the years to come.
One of the best family times of the year always occurred during Christmas. In our
house, Christmas was more than just a holiday, but a special time for our family to share
quality time together. My grandma would take time from work, I would be home from
school, and my mom worked part time at a local pasta restaurant. We would find
ourselves together by the piano as my grandma played Christmas carols and we attempted
to sing together on Christmas Eve. We would then eat a hearty meal that filled the table
with many varieties of food that permeated the air with delicious aromas.
The family bonding, delicious home-made meals, and my childhood began to
deteriorate as my mom became very ill. My childhood role disappeared as I stepped into
more of an adult position. At the age of ten, I was cooking, cleaning, and caring for my
mother who was in bed most of the time while also going to school and balancing my
daily lessons. Boyd and Bee says that people experience role conflict when
different roles call for separate behaviors and the demands accumulate to more hours in a
day (143). I was no longer able to go out and participate in childhood activities. This
caused a role conflict in my life because I was torn between taking care of my mother and
spending time with friends.
The events that began to surface with my mother’s illness increased causing not
only difficulties in my social life, but also in our family life. After I would come home
from school, I would then begin doing daily chores to help my mom and make sure she
was comfortable. In the evening, my grandma would arrive home from work and we
would eat dinner. Once super was finished, we no longer gathered as a family, but
separated ourselves from one another.
Our daily lives grew more dim even still. By the age of 12, my family was visiting
the hospital almost every night, because my mother spent more time in the facility than
out. We began having dinner in the hospital cafeteria and I would finish my school work
while sitting on the floor of a hospital room. By Christmas, my mom fell into a coma and
was moved down to Indianapolis where she would receive better care. My grandma
followed and I was left at home with my grandpa.
My life was completely different with my grandpa and I did not know it at the
time, but I would learn a new set of life experiences. A few months after my grandma and
mom left, I came home from school and found my grandpa unresponsive on the couch.
He had his eyes open, but could not seem to talk. After about an hour, I called 9-11 and
rode in the ambulance to the hospital. My grandpa had a stroke.
The new set of circumstances added more pressure and strain on our family. My
Great aunt would visit during the day while I was away in school, and in the evening, I
became the caregiver. My grandma and I spoke daily and we would cry together on the
phone not believing what we were experiencing. She would always tell me that I was a
special young man to be strong and grown up enough to be handling such difficult
realities.
During my mom’s and grandpa’s illness, fighting the urge to go outside and being
with friends, and finding a balance with responsibilities, I had another problem lingering
below the surface. In the months leading up to my mom’s coma, I began to discover my
sexuality. I learned that I had same-sex attractions and identified myself as being gay. I
fought the impulse to tell my grandma. The reason I was contemplating giving my family
a chance to be a part of my life was because I did not want to add any additional strain on
my family. I felt selfish in my thinking for wanting to explain my feelings to them.
My decision to remain silent, caused a very negative reaction in my life. I became
isolated and spent less time taking care of my family. I was resentful for being different
and not being able to spend time with my friends and I was tired of the responsibility. My
struggles lead me down a path of depression where I attempted suicide rather than tell my
family the truth. I was not sure how they would react and felt that by taking my life, I
would save them the embarrassment from having a gay child.
My mother saved my life by entering into my room in the middle of the night
giving me a second chance in life. When I woke up in the hospital unaware of anything
that happened the previous night, I was frustrated I did not succeed, but came to the
conclusion there was a reason. I still had a purpose in life and had much more to offer. I
made a decision that day to keep fighting and help others who struggle through their
childhood. I wanted to reach out at that moment in my life to everyone who I knew was
struggling in some way and offer comfort. Today, I live my life by the promise I made to
myself. I would survive and nothing would ever defeat me.
For a few shorts years following my suicide attempt, my new attitude of survival
allowed me to remain positive and in control during a rather calm point in my life. My
mom re-married, I made the decision to continue living with my grandma and grandpa,
and I went through school with top grades and a leader within my community. These
years were the most memorable and I was able to revert back slightly to my social life
among my peers. I did not know, I would be soon facing tragedy again in my life.
In the spring before I graduated high school, I had three major loses that
resulted in my decision to change my goals for the future. My great aunt, who lived next
door, great grandma, who lived down the street, and my grandpa, who lived with us, all
were diagnosed with cancer within months of each other. I was planning on going away
for college, but decided to remain home to help my grandma in caring for our family.
Together, my grandma and I made the decision to have Hospice and we essentially
became the primary care givers. In 2003, we lost all three of them in death and I found
myself comforting my grandma.
My grandma and I were both struggling to find stability in our lives, but before we
found a strong foundation, death hit us again. My mom became brain dead through lack
of oxygen and we, my step-dad, grandma, and I, made the decision to let my mom go. She
had died from complications of the illness she had many years ago at the age of 40. The
passing of my mother only became worse when six weeks later, my grandma and I
discovered my step-dad on the floor of his room dead at the age of 44 from a massive
heart attack.
The death of my parents caused my grandma to slip into major depression and her
health began to fail. We became the two musketeers supporting each other. We became
very close and I leaned on her as much as she leaned on me. A year later, my grandma
had five major organs shut down and doctors did not believe she would pull through. I
took a leave of absence from my job and stayed at the hospital 24/7 for many weeks. My
friends would come into the waiting room to bring me food and keep me company giving
me the emotional support I needed. Umberson and Chen states that only one in ten people
below the age of 25 has lost a parent and I lost all of my family with the exception of my
grandma (152).
As I sat at the hospital, I had much more support than I ever realized from very
close friends. They might not have known what I was feeling or going through at the
time, but they put forth the effort to be comforting all the same. Many spoke to me as if I
was a broken child ready to fall apart myself, but found themselves shocked by how well
put together I was. Some of my friends were concerned if I lost my grandma how I would
survive. This idea can be explained further by Umberson and Chen by claiming, “the
death of a parent appears to be a stressful life event that adversely affects the physical and
psychological well-being of adult children in the general population.” (153). Even though
I had lost both of my parents, I still had the support of my grandma who was like a second
mother to me.
The thought of losing my grandma at this time in my life scared me because I was
not ready for the event. I did not have any of the proper paperwork in place and do not
think I would have been able to cope emotionally. Thankfully, I had great friends
supporting me through the idea of losing the last of my family. I had chosen my friends
carefully and they had become like family as Boyd and Bee suggests with the statement,
“many gays and lesbians build families of choice for themselves.” (97). I had and still
have a close network of friends who have become my family.
Thankfully, my grandma pulled through her problems giving us another year to
spend time together. We decided to take action to prepare me for if something did
actually happen to her. We constructed a will, added my name to bank accounts and
spoke of her personal wishes. I struggled hearing this information, but I was very thankful
to have her back in my life I could not have been any happier.
In one of our discussions, we spoke about jobs and careers to better prepare me
for my future. I had a lot of knowledge in working in the food industry with: Shakeys, a
buffet, Fazolis, fast-food Italian, and Taco Bell, fast-food Mexican. We talked about me
attending college once again, but her health was to frail to continue at that precise
moment in time. In the end, I decided to wait a couple of years and began searching for
some additional income. I accepted a promotion through Taco Bell as an Assistant Store
Manager that helped my grandma and I financially.
The Assistant Manager position proved to be very time consuming and I did not
spend as much time with my grandma. She became depressed once again, so we planned
a trip into Chicago to see Wicked. This was going to be a very special event for both of us
because we were seeing the musical on Mother’s Day. I drove us into Chicago, carried
her down to our front row seats and we spent the evening in conversation at the Cheese
Cake Factory. As we were leaving, I picked up a little black stone and handed it to my
grandma and told her to carry the stone where ever she went and to always think about the
things she was grateful for in her life. I told her I loved her and that I was thankful she
was a part of my life.
After several wonderful months with her, I woke up one morning and found my
grandma dead on the floor in the hallway. I could not seem to catch my breath. I felt my
world crumbling around me. My thoughts dwelled heavily on being in charge of my own
mortality. “Those in the middle generation must come to terms with the fact that they
have now become the elders and are confronted directly with their own mortality” (Boyd
& Bee. P. 153). I remembered the promise I made to myself years back after trying to
commit suicide. I fought back the tears and gathered my thoughts to take action in my
life. I knew there was a lot of work to do and I knew how to do it.
Instead of focusing on my grief, I turned to the action of getting things done. The
first thing on my agenda was to prepare and plan the funeral. I did this mostly alone and
that is how I wanted it. I viewed the funeral as a last tribute to my grandma. Organizing
the funeral was one of the biggest changes of my life. I became the adult, the responsible
one and nothing stood in my way for failure or success.
In the months following the funeral of my grandma, I was faced with many life
obstacles. I took on a mortgage payment solely, added the house to for sale listings,
struggled to survive because my financial income did not meet the demand, finally selling
the house and moving out of state away from everyone and everything I ever knew to
begin my life over, and now attending school once again. All of these decisions changed
me emotionally for I grew in knowledge with every step I took.
All my life, I have been preparing for these events. When I was little, I gained
knowledge of sickness with my mother, isolation through my sexuality, strength through
my friends, love and support with my grandma and by witnessing the death of my parents
and being a part of the funeral making decision, I was able to cope with my grandma’s
death and the year that followed.
My family life was not the only variable that presented me with life experience
though. During high school and college, I was involved in many clubs, organizations, and
attended leadership camps that granted me the necessary tools to survive. Some of these
include: Student Body President, Class Officer, ITI (Indiana Teen Institute), HBS
(Hoosier Boy State), and the NYLC (National Youth Leadership Council). Everything in
my life has geared me to begin my future.
When I moved to Tennessee, I promised myself another change would occur. I
made a conscious decision to begin STITCH (Standing Together In Tolerance Changing
Humanity) to help other GLBT youth through problems in their life. In the end, I came to
the conclusion to give my life to help others. “STITCH replaces discrimination based on
sexual orientation with acceptance, tolerance, and celebration of humanities differences”
(Harper D, & Thomas G. (2009). STITCH has become the first step into attaining my
future.
My goals have changed over the years as I have grown and survived through life
events. I am finally doing something for me and I have been criticized for taking a huge
risk, but to me the entire organization is well worth the time and effort. I view this
opportunity as a new journey. I am not sure if I will fail or succeed, but I will persist
without exception.
My survival and stability through my mom’s illness into her death, the loss of all
my family and the continuation of my dreams will ultimately give me the opportunity to
help others survive through life’s restricting affairs. I learned life is fragile and worth
fighting for and that we all have the power to persevere in anything we choose to do. The
decision lies within all of us and I made my decision to live life to the fullest when I
woke up in the hospital after attempting suicide.
References
Boyd, D. & Bee, H. (2006). Adult Development.
Boston, Massachusetts: Pearson Custom Publishing.
Harper, D. and Thomas, G. (2009) About STITCH. Retrieved January 17, 2010, from
http://www.sewingdiversitytogether.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=
article&id=47&Itemid=87.
Hudson, F. & McLean, P. Life Launch.
Santa Barbara, CA: The Hudson Institute Press.
STITCH (Standing Together In Tolerance Changing Humanity)
www.sewingdiversitytogether.com .
Friday, January 22, 2010
Not the Norm
So, I have now been enrolled in online college for almost four weeks and and my first class is coming to an end. I have been pleasantly surprised that the book we are using, Adult Development, by Boyd and Bee has had information regarding homosexuality. I have never really had a class or a text book that remotely even mentions homosexuality. I have learned over the years, the education system focuses on the norm rather than minorities and this is also the case in lower level college courses.
As I have been reading the book and going through the stages of adult development, I have learned my entire life is not the norm. For instance, I am an only child who was raised by not only my mother but my grandparents and I happen to be gay. All of these things add up to make me one unique person with unique circumstances like the death of my mom and step father when I was 20. Youth is considered to be 24 years of age and younger and according to a journal presented by Debra Umberson and Meichu Chen in the "Effects of a Parent's Death on Adult Children: relationship Salience and Reaction to Loss", only one in ten children lose a parent before the age of 25 and I lost my entire immediate family. "By age 54, 50 percent of children have lost both parents (Umberson and Michu p. 152). So, in life experience I am about 30-40 years ahead.
I am having difficulty relating to the theories presented in the book because they do not apply to my life. I am well outside of society's norm. In fact, sometimes when I tell my story (especially online) I find that many people don't believe me. In my mind, I find my experiece to be normal and not difficult to accept, but to others they have a hard time relating to me. I have never really thought about any of this until yesterday and find the entire situation with a difference of opinions fascinating. I can only hope that with my current life experience and the learning experience, I will become helpful to others who have lost their parents at a young age or their families.
Debra, U. & Meichu, C. (1994). Effects of a Parent's
Death on Adult Children: Relationship Salience
and reaction to Loss. American Sociological
Review, 59, 152-168.
As I have been reading the book and going through the stages of adult development, I have learned my entire life is not the norm. For instance, I am an only child who was raised by not only my mother but my grandparents and I happen to be gay. All of these things add up to make me one unique person with unique circumstances like the death of my mom and step father when I was 20. Youth is considered to be 24 years of age and younger and according to a journal presented by Debra Umberson and Meichu Chen in the "Effects of a Parent's Death on Adult Children: relationship Salience and Reaction to Loss", only one in ten children lose a parent before the age of 25 and I lost my entire immediate family. "By age 54, 50 percent of children have lost both parents (Umberson and Michu p. 152). So, in life experience I am about 30-40 years ahead.
I am having difficulty relating to the theories presented in the book because they do not apply to my life. I am well outside of society's norm. In fact, sometimes when I tell my story (especially online) I find that many people don't believe me. In my mind, I find my experiece to be normal and not difficult to accept, but to others they have a hard time relating to me. I have never really thought about any of this until yesterday and find the entire situation with a difference of opinions fascinating. I can only hope that with my current life experience and the learning experience, I will become helpful to others who have lost their parents at a young age or their families.
Debra, U. & Meichu, C. (1994). Effects of a Parent's
Death on Adult Children: Relationship Salience
and reaction to Loss. American Sociological
Review, 59, 152-168.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Life is Wierd
Changes in life seem to happen constantly. The weird thing is how life will throw us curve balls at every corner. Some may say life is like a roller coaster of a ride while others will say they have no ups but everything bad just seems to pull them down further into the ground. My life has been like that of a roller coaster. Sometimes I have been up while others I have been down. I have not found a happy medium or a constant where I have little peaks and tiny valleys.
When I was very little, my life seemed to be the most constant. Going to school, coming home to go outside and play with my friends and then homework was the routine as I was growing up, but then everything changed. My mother became ill, my grandpa had a stroke, my grandma had to go and sit with my mom while she was in a coma then everything changed again. In my early teens, my mom woke up out of her coma, I began to realize my sexuality as being gay, then beginning work. At around the age of 15, I tried to commit suicide, my mom re-married and moved out of the house. I decided to stay with my grandma. Then, things became calm once again. My great-aunt who lived next door came down with cancer and my grandma and I became the care givers until she passed in April of 2003. In November of 2004, my grandpa died from cancer and the months leading up to his death, my grandma and I were, once again, the care givers. I began a very interrupted college. In the spring of 2005, I met my ex and we moved into an apartment together. In October of 2005, my mom passed away from complications of guillian bureau syndrome. This event alone set my life into disarray. Not six weeks later (right before Christmas) my step-dad had a massive heart attack and my grandma and I found him in his room. Two months went by and I was accused of stealing money from work, my ex broke up with me, and I moved into a new home with my grandma. I continued college life once again, but had to withdraw when my grandma became very ill in the spring of 2006. She had five major organs shutting down and the situation looked "grave".
Somehow, my grandma pulled through. I would have another year and a half with her, but that year and a half would prove to be a difficult one. My uncle (her son) was in and out of jail, financial situations became very unstable, her health was declining, our house flooded two times and my grandma became very stressed and depressed. In December of 2007, she passed away. I came home from bowling and went straight downstairs to me living area without checking on her (an event that causes me guilt to this day). In the morning my great-uncle let himself in when no one was answering the phone or door and called down to me. I could hear the panick in his voice as he told me my grandma was on the floor. I flew out of bed and raced upstairs to find my grandma dead.
We immediately called 9-11 and I called work first to let them know I would be out of work until further notice and explained my grandma had passed away. I was not worried about losing my job or anything at this point, just getting through another tragedy in my life. I began calling family members and one-by-one everyone began showing up at the house. They watched my eveyr move talking amongst themselves like I could not hear, "What is Dougie going to do now". The answer was I did not know. I had to get through the next couple of weeks before I could even begin thinking what I was going to do.
I began planning for the funeral. I had my cousin Bobby with me helping me pick out the casket and flowers and such as that. He had never planned a funeral before, so the majority was on me. I signed the papers for the financial burden that is still affecting my life today. We planned the funeral and in the days to come, family began showing up at the house picking things they would like to have. I was very protective as I still lived in the house and wanted my home to be as normal as possible. After the funeral, my friends gathered at the house giving me comfort and my ex stayed with me after a very good friend, Ronna, had left to go back to work. None of the family came around, called or even brought over food. My cousin Bobby and Aunt Nancy did stay in contact for awhile, but my cousin needed comfort I could not give him. He still had his family and I was alone. There is not a day that goes by that I wish I could change the outcome of events that followed, but we can not change the past. I don't know that I could if I was put in the position again and I would never want to live those moments over anyway.
Christmas was strange as we did not have it at my house. I was invited to another cousin and this was strange in itself. I was glad to be around family, but it was the last time I saw any of them with the exception of my great aunts and great uncle. Immeditately following Christmas, I traveled down to Tennessee to spend Christmas with my ex's family and New Years.
I arranged people to come into the house to take care of the dogs, but had to cut my trip short when one of the dogs went into heart failure. As soon as I came home, I had to put Fred down for he was in a lot of pain. The next few months I spent a lone in the house. I was planning on moving down to Tennessee even then, but my ex became engaged with a girl and did not contact me for awhile. I decided to try and keep the house. My friends became distant for they did not know how to comfort me or what to say. I was essentially alone. In this time, I was lost grabbing for anything I could possibly hold onto. I hurt many people in this process for not keeping in touch as they were expecting me to call first, but I did not have the energy. I was slipping into major depression and was diagnosed as so in April of 2008.
I then moved in three guys who needed a place to stay. One was 20-years-old and I became like an older brother taking care of him the other was 25-years-old, but acted like a little kid and the other was in his upper 20's. I was the only constant worker and they abused the situation. I took on (in a sense) three children that further drove me into the ground. In the event of not being alone, I put myself in a worse situation because of emotion rather than mindful thinking and conclusion.
I lost my license because I was unable to pay for car insurance and plates for the car. I lost one of the cars because of this and work became very difficult. I was struggling to pay mortgage payments and the regular bills in the house for they added up to more than I made in a month. I became irritable and distant at work. They used and abused me there as well something I shall never forgive nor forget. Then, my ex called one day out of the blue wanting to talk because he broke it off with his fiance. I had no patience for what was happening in his life for I blamed him deep down for my situation during 2008. We had a plan and he abandoned the plan and me. We talked for a long while and patched things up. I decided to travel down to Tennessee in October of 2008 and we spent time together. We once again discussed the possibility moving in together. In January of 2009 (just days after I sold the house) I moved to Tennessee to begin my new journey of life.
The last year proved to be a difficult and emotional one, but I am finally getting back on my feet. I am now in school and looking for ways to fix all the mistakes I have made in the last two years. I know my life will improve, I just have to prepare for the field for the rain that is sure to come.
I am me, my soul and I. The Journey of a Survivor.
When I was very little, my life seemed to be the most constant. Going to school, coming home to go outside and play with my friends and then homework was the routine as I was growing up, but then everything changed. My mother became ill, my grandpa had a stroke, my grandma had to go and sit with my mom while she was in a coma then everything changed again. In my early teens, my mom woke up out of her coma, I began to realize my sexuality as being gay, then beginning work. At around the age of 15, I tried to commit suicide, my mom re-married and moved out of the house. I decided to stay with my grandma. Then, things became calm once again. My great-aunt who lived next door came down with cancer and my grandma and I became the care givers until she passed in April of 2003. In November of 2004, my grandpa died from cancer and the months leading up to his death, my grandma and I were, once again, the care givers. I began a very interrupted college. In the spring of 2005, I met my ex and we moved into an apartment together. In October of 2005, my mom passed away from complications of guillian bureau syndrome. This event alone set my life into disarray. Not six weeks later (right before Christmas) my step-dad had a massive heart attack and my grandma and I found him in his room. Two months went by and I was accused of stealing money from work, my ex broke up with me, and I moved into a new home with my grandma. I continued college life once again, but had to withdraw when my grandma became very ill in the spring of 2006. She had five major organs shutting down and the situation looked "grave".
Somehow, my grandma pulled through. I would have another year and a half with her, but that year and a half would prove to be a difficult one. My uncle (her son) was in and out of jail, financial situations became very unstable, her health was declining, our house flooded two times and my grandma became very stressed and depressed. In December of 2007, she passed away. I came home from bowling and went straight downstairs to me living area without checking on her (an event that causes me guilt to this day). In the morning my great-uncle let himself in when no one was answering the phone or door and called down to me. I could hear the panick in his voice as he told me my grandma was on the floor. I flew out of bed and raced upstairs to find my grandma dead.
We immediately called 9-11 and I called work first to let them know I would be out of work until further notice and explained my grandma had passed away. I was not worried about losing my job or anything at this point, just getting through another tragedy in my life. I began calling family members and one-by-one everyone began showing up at the house. They watched my eveyr move talking amongst themselves like I could not hear, "What is Dougie going to do now". The answer was I did not know. I had to get through the next couple of weeks before I could even begin thinking what I was going to do.
I began planning for the funeral. I had my cousin Bobby with me helping me pick out the casket and flowers and such as that. He had never planned a funeral before, so the majority was on me. I signed the papers for the financial burden that is still affecting my life today. We planned the funeral and in the days to come, family began showing up at the house picking things they would like to have. I was very protective as I still lived in the house and wanted my home to be as normal as possible. After the funeral, my friends gathered at the house giving me comfort and my ex stayed with me after a very good friend, Ronna, had left to go back to work. None of the family came around, called or even brought over food. My cousin Bobby and Aunt Nancy did stay in contact for awhile, but my cousin needed comfort I could not give him. He still had his family and I was alone. There is not a day that goes by that I wish I could change the outcome of events that followed, but we can not change the past. I don't know that I could if I was put in the position again and I would never want to live those moments over anyway.
Christmas was strange as we did not have it at my house. I was invited to another cousin and this was strange in itself. I was glad to be around family, but it was the last time I saw any of them with the exception of my great aunts and great uncle. Immeditately following Christmas, I traveled down to Tennessee to spend Christmas with my ex's family and New Years.
I arranged people to come into the house to take care of the dogs, but had to cut my trip short when one of the dogs went into heart failure. As soon as I came home, I had to put Fred down for he was in a lot of pain. The next few months I spent a lone in the house. I was planning on moving down to Tennessee even then, but my ex became engaged with a girl and did not contact me for awhile. I decided to try and keep the house. My friends became distant for they did not know how to comfort me or what to say. I was essentially alone. In this time, I was lost grabbing for anything I could possibly hold onto. I hurt many people in this process for not keeping in touch as they were expecting me to call first, but I did not have the energy. I was slipping into major depression and was diagnosed as so in April of 2008.
I then moved in three guys who needed a place to stay. One was 20-years-old and I became like an older brother taking care of him the other was 25-years-old, but acted like a little kid and the other was in his upper 20's. I was the only constant worker and they abused the situation. I took on (in a sense) three children that further drove me into the ground. In the event of not being alone, I put myself in a worse situation because of emotion rather than mindful thinking and conclusion.
I lost my license because I was unable to pay for car insurance and plates for the car. I lost one of the cars because of this and work became very difficult. I was struggling to pay mortgage payments and the regular bills in the house for they added up to more than I made in a month. I became irritable and distant at work. They used and abused me there as well something I shall never forgive nor forget. Then, my ex called one day out of the blue wanting to talk because he broke it off with his fiance. I had no patience for what was happening in his life for I blamed him deep down for my situation during 2008. We had a plan and he abandoned the plan and me. We talked for a long while and patched things up. I decided to travel down to Tennessee in October of 2008 and we spent time together. We once again discussed the possibility moving in together. In January of 2009 (just days after I sold the house) I moved to Tennessee to begin my new journey of life.
The last year proved to be a difficult and emotional one, but I am finally getting back on my feet. I am now in school and looking for ways to fix all the mistakes I have made in the last two years. I know my life will improve, I just have to prepare for the field for the rain that is sure to come.
I am me, my soul and I. The Journey of a Survivor.
Money Talks
Alright, we all know the economy is bad now and people are searching over the internet on ways to make money from home. Some of us might have lost our jobs while others have just had our hours cut to a minimum that makes us not pay our bills. The stress is upon us.
Right before I moved, I was told my old job, Taco Bell, was slashing positions in order to save the company franchise from going under. I had already been contemplating selling my house and moving out of the area, but this drove my decision to finality. I packed up my things and moved. When I moved into the Chattanooga area, I found that jobs were as scarce here as they were up north. Nothing was available. I watched in horror as the money from the house dwindled to nothing. One of the most important changes I made happened right before I moved.
I began to change my thinking and attitude toward money. Some may say money is the root of all evil, but without money we can not live. I knew I had to do something. I began by watching, The Seven Decisions by Andy Andrews who spoke of successful people. He came up with seven principles to change in our life that would bring outcomes. I watched this every night and played it as I slept. I then picked up a book called, Excuse me your Life is Waiting, by Lynn Grabhorn. The book changed my life instantly. I know, I know, you are probably thinking yeah right, but it is true. The book taught me how to change the way I think. The theory is that our body vibrates just like the energy around us attracting like vibrating energy nearby. If we are vibrating at high frequencies (good feelings) we will attract good things (high frequencies) into our life. The opposite is true as well. How can our thinking change the way we vibrate? Well, the answer is simple. Do you like the feeling of being made, sad or upset? The answer is no and when we are in this mood usually everything seems to go wrong. We become victims of our negative thinking. However, if we change our thinking to make ourselves feel good, like dreaming about your goals in life and looking to where you want to be and imagine and feel yourself there, shiver will be sent throughout your body and you are now vibrating at a higher frequency! Trust me, it works, but it takes time.
So, I began watching the seven Decisions and reading this book daily. Both together made miraculous changes in my life. I then began researching meditation and found a partically great one right before I would go to bed at night. The meditation was to control our breath. Take several long deep breaths and exhale slowly. Lie on your back and feel the air push out of your body. While doing this imagine everything frustrating you leave your body. This is your time, not anyone elses! After you relax your body, tense up your toes and slowly release. Do this two more times. Next, tense up your feet and slowly release. Do this two more times. Feel your body and muscles relaxing through each body part. Now do your leg muscles. Thighs. Butt. Tense up your stomach and slowly release. Do this again two more times. Now your chest. Shoulders. Arms. Hands. Face and head. Now tense up your entire body and slowly release. Do this again two more times. Feel your body relxed. Can you tell the difference from a stressed body to a relxed state? Great now take several deep breaths and exhale while imagining how peaceful and relxed you feel. Now, let you mind wander to the beautiful dreams you might have. Imgaine a wonderful vacation with you family and feel the wind in your hair or the sun on your face. It is important to feel like you are there doing it. Get yourself excited and your heart raqcing. Feel how good it feels to be giving someone 10,000. It doesn't matter how you get it, just that you are able to do it and how good it feels to change someone elses life. Whatever your fanatsies or dreams, feel them like you are actually living them. Keep doing this until you drift to sleep and you will wake up feeling great and have more energy.
So, in the evening I read a chapter or two of the book, watched the seven decisions, meditated, and then put the movie on low volume as I thought about wonderful thoughts. One of the main points of the movie is I am a person of action. When I dreamt that night, I had dreams about doing things. I was a person of action. I am a person of action.
Not three weeks later, I sold my house in the bad economy. Moved to TN. I continued this method for a few months as I saw results in my day to day life. I never thought how....I only thought it is coming! Then, I had a financial backer from Australia pay me to continue to do my work. Within months I had several thousand dollars being sent to me. I have not hade a job since I quit Taco Bell, but have done more traveling in the last year. I have been on a vacation gifted to me by the financial backer in Austrailia for a friend and me to Disney World. This trip was not a small one either, we had ten days all tickets and meals paid for, travel expenses and a suite in the Grande Florridian Hotel. The vacation was one of the best I can remember.
I visited Tuscon, AZ and also traveled to New York City for the World Suicide Conference held at the United Nations (as a guest). All of this happened because I put action behind my dreams and goals, but I believe they all happened because I changed my way of thinking and how I viewed my life. I am now going back to school online and am looking forward to a new journey into the future. I have no idea where the next money will come from or how, but it isn't for me to decide how, it is only for me to put action behind what I do and continue toward my future. The rest will fall in place.
Right before I moved, I was told my old job, Taco Bell, was slashing positions in order to save the company franchise from going under. I had already been contemplating selling my house and moving out of the area, but this drove my decision to finality. I packed up my things and moved. When I moved into the Chattanooga area, I found that jobs were as scarce here as they were up north. Nothing was available. I watched in horror as the money from the house dwindled to nothing. One of the most important changes I made happened right before I moved.
I began to change my thinking and attitude toward money. Some may say money is the root of all evil, but without money we can not live. I knew I had to do something. I began by watching, The Seven Decisions by Andy Andrews who spoke of successful people. He came up with seven principles to change in our life that would bring outcomes. I watched this every night and played it as I slept. I then picked up a book called, Excuse me your Life is Waiting, by Lynn Grabhorn. The book changed my life instantly. I know, I know, you are probably thinking yeah right, but it is true. The book taught me how to change the way I think. The theory is that our body vibrates just like the energy around us attracting like vibrating energy nearby. If we are vibrating at high frequencies (good feelings) we will attract good things (high frequencies) into our life. The opposite is true as well. How can our thinking change the way we vibrate? Well, the answer is simple. Do you like the feeling of being made, sad or upset? The answer is no and when we are in this mood usually everything seems to go wrong. We become victims of our negative thinking. However, if we change our thinking to make ourselves feel good, like dreaming about your goals in life and looking to where you want to be and imagine and feel yourself there, shiver will be sent throughout your body and you are now vibrating at a higher frequency! Trust me, it works, but it takes time.
So, I began watching the seven Decisions and reading this book daily. Both together made miraculous changes in my life. I then began researching meditation and found a partically great one right before I would go to bed at night. The meditation was to control our breath. Take several long deep breaths and exhale slowly. Lie on your back and feel the air push out of your body. While doing this imagine everything frustrating you leave your body. This is your time, not anyone elses! After you relax your body, tense up your toes and slowly release. Do this two more times. Next, tense up your feet and slowly release. Do this two more times. Feel your body and muscles relaxing through each body part. Now do your leg muscles. Thighs. Butt. Tense up your stomach and slowly release. Do this again two more times. Now your chest. Shoulders. Arms. Hands. Face and head. Now tense up your entire body and slowly release. Do this again two more times. Feel your body relxed. Can you tell the difference from a stressed body to a relxed state? Great now take several deep breaths and exhale while imagining how peaceful and relxed you feel. Now, let you mind wander to the beautiful dreams you might have. Imgaine a wonderful vacation with you family and feel the wind in your hair or the sun on your face. It is important to feel like you are there doing it. Get yourself excited and your heart raqcing. Feel how good it feels to be giving someone 10,000. It doesn't matter how you get it, just that you are able to do it and how good it feels to change someone elses life. Whatever your fanatsies or dreams, feel them like you are actually living them. Keep doing this until you drift to sleep and you will wake up feeling great and have more energy.
So, in the evening I read a chapter or two of the book, watched the seven decisions, meditated, and then put the movie on low volume as I thought about wonderful thoughts. One of the main points of the movie is I am a person of action. When I dreamt that night, I had dreams about doing things. I was a person of action. I am a person of action.
Not three weeks later, I sold my house in the bad economy. Moved to TN. I continued this method for a few months as I saw results in my day to day life. I never thought how....I only thought it is coming! Then, I had a financial backer from Australia pay me to continue to do my work. Within months I had several thousand dollars being sent to me. I have not hade a job since I quit Taco Bell, but have done more traveling in the last year. I have been on a vacation gifted to me by the financial backer in Austrailia for a friend and me to Disney World. This trip was not a small one either, we had ten days all tickets and meals paid for, travel expenses and a suite in the Grande Florridian Hotel. The vacation was one of the best I can remember.
I visited Tuscon, AZ and also traveled to New York City for the World Suicide Conference held at the United Nations (as a guest). All of this happened because I put action behind my dreams and goals, but I believe they all happened because I changed my way of thinking and how I viewed my life. I am now going back to school online and am looking forward to a new journey into the future. I have no idea where the next money will come from or how, but it isn't for me to decide how, it is only for me to put action behind what I do and continue toward my future. The rest will fall in place.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
School
I have always been interested in gaining more knowledge. When I was little, my dream was to become a teacher or a politician. After high school, I began studying political science and law, but quickly learned that path was not right for me. I switched my major to teaching. After losing my mom and step-dad in one semester, my schooling became very unstable. I was unable to concentrate and dropped out of college. I went back into school in 2006 only to spend several weeks in the hospital day and night with my grandma who seemed (at the time) not going to make it through her illness. Several organs began shutting down. I dropped out of college once again. In December of 2007, my grandma passed away. My life was turned upside down once again.
This time, I was mostly alone in planning for a funeral, preparing the house for guests, and Christmas was right around the corner. Money was tight as I was still not a college graduate and working in a fast food restaurant. If someone told me years ago that I would be 23 and not be graduated from college, I would have laughed. To pay for the mortgage and taking up several extra expenses, I accepted a promotion through Taco Bell that would lead me to be an assistant manager. I still struggled with keeping up with all the bills and began to fail in several areas. The debt began racking up and I had no where to turn.
I wanted to achieve my dreams and goals, but they seemed impossible. I was stuck and did not see a way to get back into school. 2008 was a disaster. I made some of the worst decisions in my life and they were all based on emotion. I moved people into the house to not be alone, tried to sell the house just two months after my grandma passed and kept many of the accessories on that I was accustomed to such as : internet, cable, and a huge cell phone bill. I did not change my life when I should have.
I sold the house for tens of thousands less than I should have in the heart of our country's economic mess. I moved to Tennessee and began STITCH, an organization for GLBT and straight supporters. My focus would be to help them out through obstacles, I , myself, have already been through.
It is now January and I have finally signed up for school. I have never had to sign up for financial aide and have never had any student loans. I obtained scholarships right out of high school and my grandma paid for the rest. I am thrown into yet another unseen circumstance not knowing how everything will turn out. All I know is that I am focused on where I am going, keeping my fingers crossed that I will receive enough money to pay for classes and books, and that I will have speaking engagements to keep my life going.
I have now entered into the sociology program. I wanted to be able to relate more to children and help their families understand them as people. In short, I would like to become a free counselor. I will not be working out of some office or in a school, but on a website that will be free so anyone can access me at any time. I plan on getting a certificate to take suicide calls and be available to people who need to call and talk to someone who already knows their story. I went to a counselor/therapist earlier last year for grief (I thought it would make me feel better). The process was very expensive and I could not keep it up. As soon as I began opening up, I ran out of money to continue. This is something I don't want to do to someone else. I find it to be important that a person get the help they need no matter the cost.
I would like to get a masters and hopefully a doctorate in Gay and Lesbian Studies. This is a long way off, so I am not sure if this will change, but it is on my goal board and has been since my mom and step-dad passed away. I can't wait to get my degree for this will be another stepping stone in my life!
I am me, my soul and I: The story of a Life Survivor!
This time, I was mostly alone in planning for a funeral, preparing the house for guests, and Christmas was right around the corner. Money was tight as I was still not a college graduate and working in a fast food restaurant. If someone told me years ago that I would be 23 and not be graduated from college, I would have laughed. To pay for the mortgage and taking up several extra expenses, I accepted a promotion through Taco Bell that would lead me to be an assistant manager. I still struggled with keeping up with all the bills and began to fail in several areas. The debt began racking up and I had no where to turn.
I wanted to achieve my dreams and goals, but they seemed impossible. I was stuck and did not see a way to get back into school. 2008 was a disaster. I made some of the worst decisions in my life and they were all based on emotion. I moved people into the house to not be alone, tried to sell the house just two months after my grandma passed and kept many of the accessories on that I was accustomed to such as : internet, cable, and a huge cell phone bill. I did not change my life when I should have.
I sold the house for tens of thousands less than I should have in the heart of our country's economic mess. I moved to Tennessee and began STITCH, an organization for GLBT and straight supporters. My focus would be to help them out through obstacles, I , myself, have already been through.
It is now January and I have finally signed up for school. I have never had to sign up for financial aide and have never had any student loans. I obtained scholarships right out of high school and my grandma paid for the rest. I am thrown into yet another unseen circumstance not knowing how everything will turn out. All I know is that I am focused on where I am going, keeping my fingers crossed that I will receive enough money to pay for classes and books, and that I will have speaking engagements to keep my life going.
I have now entered into the sociology program. I wanted to be able to relate more to children and help their families understand them as people. In short, I would like to become a free counselor. I will not be working out of some office or in a school, but on a website that will be free so anyone can access me at any time. I plan on getting a certificate to take suicide calls and be available to people who need to call and talk to someone who already knows their story. I went to a counselor/therapist earlier last year for grief (I thought it would make me feel better). The process was very expensive and I could not keep it up. As soon as I began opening up, I ran out of money to continue. This is something I don't want to do to someone else. I find it to be important that a person get the help they need no matter the cost.
I would like to get a masters and hopefully a doctorate in Gay and Lesbian Studies. This is a long way off, so I am not sure if this will change, but it is on my goal board and has been since my mom and step-dad passed away. I can't wait to get my degree for this will be another stepping stone in my life!
I am me, my soul and I: The story of a Life Survivor!
The Beginning
We are going into the third week of a brand new year. 2010 will mark a new beginning for many of us. For me, the new year marks a fresh start to redirect my life. The last few years have been difficult but I triumphed over the many obstacles. That was in the past and I still have a long and bright future ahead of me. Sure, we all have problems we face on a day-to-day basis, but it is up to us whether we focus on the negative or the positive. I choose to see my life as having a glass half full rather than half empty. When I speak of struggles, I am speaking of the death of my family. My family meant the world to me and I watched as one-by-one they passed away leaving me alone. One of the most struggling conclusions I came to is: life is fragile. We have to live each day as it is a purpose for we never know what tomorrow may bring.
When I look back at my life, I have no regrets, but I have a very heavy place in my chest where I wish I could say I love you once again to my family or give them a hug. I would give anything to go back to that perfect place where I can be a kid without a care in the world. My life is very different now. I moved away from everything I knew and everyone. I moved out of state where the memories of the past could no longer haunt me, but I have learned (in the last year) I can no longer run away from my fears for they will never truly disappear. My past will always be lingering behind me until I face those fears, my past will always have control. 2010 will be a much different year for me because I plan to conquer my fears.
I am not alone in my adventure. My friends are by my side an I have many. They are my rock, my soul, and my confidants. Without them, I would not be here today writing in this blog. They challenged me to keep fighting. I am, but I am no longer fighting for just me. I am fighting for those who can not stand and fight for themselves. I fight for those who want to be free from discrimination and loved by others in society. We are all different and through my life's obstacles, I have gained the strength to stand tall and obtain a voice to speak out for all who may be less confident and need help. The love of my family still burns deep within the depth of my soul igniting me forward to achieve my goals. I look forward to reaching out, networking, gaining experience, and growing as a person. I look forward to hearing from anyone who want to make a difference in their life or the lives of others.
For I am me, my soul, and I: a survivor.
-Doug-
www.sewingdiversitytogether.com
When I look back at my life, I have no regrets, but I have a very heavy place in my chest where I wish I could say I love you once again to my family or give them a hug. I would give anything to go back to that perfect place where I can be a kid without a care in the world. My life is very different now. I moved away from everything I knew and everyone. I moved out of state where the memories of the past could no longer haunt me, but I have learned (in the last year) I can no longer run away from my fears for they will never truly disappear. My past will always be lingering behind me until I face those fears, my past will always have control. 2010 will be a much different year for me because I plan to conquer my fears.
I am not alone in my adventure. My friends are by my side an I have many. They are my rock, my soul, and my confidants. Without them, I would not be here today writing in this blog. They challenged me to keep fighting. I am, but I am no longer fighting for just me. I am fighting for those who can not stand and fight for themselves. I fight for those who want to be free from discrimination and loved by others in society. We are all different and through my life's obstacles, I have gained the strength to stand tall and obtain a voice to speak out for all who may be less confident and need help. The love of my family still burns deep within the depth of my soul igniting me forward to achieve my goals. I look forward to reaching out, networking, gaining experience, and growing as a person. I look forward to hearing from anyone who want to make a difference in their life or the lives of others.
For I am me, my soul, and I: a survivor.
-Doug-
www.sewingdiversitytogether.com
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