Life is Wierd

Changes in life seem to happen constantly. The weird thing is how life will throw us curve balls at every corner. Some may say life is like a roller coaster of a ride while others will say they have no ups but everything bad just seems to pull them down further into the ground. My life has been like that of a roller coaster. Sometimes I have been up while others I have been down. I have not found a happy medium or a constant where I have little peaks and tiny valleys.

When I was very little, my life seemed to be the most constant. Going to school, coming home to go outside and play with my friends and then homework was the routine as I was growing up, but then everything changed. My mother became ill, my grandpa had a stroke, my grandma had to go and sit with my mom while she was in a coma then everything changed again. In my early teens, my mom woke up out of her coma, I began to realize my sexuality as being gay, then beginning work. At around the age of 15, I tried to commit suicide, my mom re-married and moved out of the house. I decided to stay with my grandma. Then, things became calm once again. My great-aunt who lived next door came down with cancer and my grandma and I became the care givers until she passed in April of 2003. In November of 2004, my grandpa died from cancer and the months leading up to his death, my grandma and I were, once again, the care givers. I began a very interrupted college. In the spring of 2005, I met my ex and we moved into an apartment together. In October of 2005, my mom passed away from complications of guillian bureau syndrome. This event alone set my life into disarray. Not six weeks later (right before Christmas) my step-dad had a massive heart attack and my grandma and I found him in his room. Two months went by and I was accused of stealing money from work, my ex broke up with me, and I moved into a new home with my grandma. I continued college life once again, but had to withdraw when my grandma became very ill in the spring of 2006. She had five major organs shutting down and the situation looked "grave".

Somehow, my grandma pulled through. I would have another year and a half with her, but that year and a half would prove to be a difficult one. My uncle (her son) was in and out of jail, financial situations became very unstable, her health was declining, our house flooded two times and my grandma became very stressed and depressed. In December of 2007, she passed away. I came home from bowling and went straight downstairs to me living area without checking on her (an event that causes me guilt to this day). In the morning my great-uncle let himself in when no one was answering the phone or door and called down to me. I could hear the panick in his voice as he told me my grandma was on the floor. I flew out of bed and raced upstairs to find my grandma dead.

We immediately called 9-11 and I called work first to let them know I would be out of work until further notice and explained my grandma had passed away. I was not worried about losing my job or anything at this point, just getting through another tragedy in my life. I began calling family members and one-by-one everyone began showing up at the house. They watched my eveyr move talking amongst themselves like I could not hear, "What is Dougie going to do now". The answer was I did not know. I had to get through the next couple of weeks before I could even begin thinking what I was going to do.

I began planning for the funeral. I had my cousin Bobby with me helping me pick out the casket and flowers and such as that. He had never planned a funeral before, so the majority was on me. I signed the papers for the financial burden that is still affecting my life today. We planned the funeral and in the days to come, family began showing up at the house picking things they would like to have. I was very protective as I still lived in the house and wanted my home to be as normal as possible. After the funeral, my friends gathered at the house giving me comfort and my ex stayed with me after a very good friend, Ronna, had left to go back to work. None of the family came around, called or even brought over food. My cousin Bobby and Aunt Nancy did stay in contact for awhile, but my cousin needed comfort I could not give him. He still had his family and I was alone. There is not a day that goes by that I wish I could change the outcome of events that followed, but we can not change the past. I don't know that I could if I was put in the position again and I would never want to live those moments over anyway.

Christmas was strange as we did not have it at my house. I was invited to another cousin and this was strange in itself. I was glad to be around family, but it was the last time I saw any of them with the exception of my great aunts and great uncle. Immeditately following Christmas, I traveled down to Tennessee to spend Christmas with my ex's family and New Years.

I arranged people to come into the house to take care of the dogs, but had to cut my trip short when one of the dogs went into heart failure. As soon as I came home, I had to put Fred down for he was in a lot of pain. The next few months I spent a lone in the house. I was planning on moving down to Tennessee even then, but my ex became engaged with a girl and did not contact me for awhile. I decided to try and keep the house. My friends became distant for they did not know how to comfort me or what to say. I was essentially alone. In this time, I was lost grabbing for anything I could possibly hold onto. I hurt many people in this process for not keeping in touch as they were expecting me to call first, but I did not have the energy. I was slipping into major depression and was diagnosed as so in April of 2008.

I then moved in three guys who needed a place to stay. One was 20-years-old and I became like an older brother taking care of him the other was 25-years-old, but acted like a little kid and the other was in his upper 20's. I was the only constant worker and they abused the situation. I took on (in a sense) three children that further drove me into the ground. In the event of not being alone, I put myself in a worse situation because of emotion rather than mindful thinking and conclusion.

I lost my license because I was unable to pay for car insurance and plates for the car. I lost one of the cars because of this and work became very difficult. I was struggling to pay mortgage payments and the regular bills in the house for they added up to more than I made in a month. I became irritable and distant at work. They used and abused me there as well something I shall never forgive nor forget. Then, my ex called one day out of the blue wanting to talk because he broke it off with his fiance. I had no patience for what was happening in his life for I blamed him deep down for my situation during 2008. We had a plan and he abandoned the plan and me. We talked for a long while and patched things up. I decided to travel down to Tennessee in October of 2008 and we spent time together. We once again discussed the possibility moving in together. In January of 2009 (just days after I sold the house) I moved to Tennessee to begin my new journey of life.

The last year proved to be a difficult and emotional one, but I am finally getting back on my feet. I am now in school and looking for ways to fix all the mistakes I have made in the last two years. I know my life will improve, I just have to prepare for the field for the rain that is sure to come.

I am me, my soul and I. The Journey of a Survivor.